How to say ‘no’ well

How easy do you find it to say no?

And do you know how to say no well? Why is it so hard? (There are practical tips at the bottom of the post.)

These are thorny questions indeed. We have been musing recently here on boundaries. The importance of knowing what it is that we are walling in and walling out (to quote Robert Frost completely out of context). We are of course protecting ourselves – our resources, which are finite, despite what we believe to the contrary. 

The first part of understanding how to say no well is to be clear on our motives.

This is where we have been so far: we underestimate the cost of saying yes and therefore, compromise another area of life. Sadly, it is often our own needs and energy levels that are sacrificed on the alter of too quick a ‘yes’.

And then sometimes we say yes because we feel we ought to (more on that last time). We feel compelled, or find it hard to say no, or believe that our worth and identity are tied to us being seen as helpful and obliging individuals.

Our emotions get involved. 

When we remain in the emotional part of our brain to make the decision, we can often say yes before we have had time to clearly, objectively and without judgement assess the true implications of what we are being asked to agree to. When we can pause and allow our rational brains to come back online again, we buy ourselves time to ask more questions. This helps facilitate a more rational, fact and capacity based judgement of the true cost.

Saying yes when we really mean no.

This always comes at a cost. Commitments elsewhere, perhaps to ourselves or those closest to us. Our integrity perhaps. Certainly, increased stress. 

The season of life we go through changes, and so too does our capacity for stress. And it can be hard to stop and see what is and is not within our control in any given situation (more here). It can be all-too-easy to believe that we have no control, and saying yes is the only solution. Or equally, that we are trying to control or take responsibility for something that is not ours to do. 

Saying no well starts with being clear on our motivation and personal responsibility. 

What am I saying yes to? If I agree to this, what area of my life suffers? Is this mine to do? 

These are all questions worth asking in the gap between the Asker asking and we, the Askee, giving a reply. 

This seems especially hard for us women. 

We are often battling our own guilt, need/desire to serve or be useful, people pleasing tendencies, fear of letting someone down. But if the cost of saying yes is our own emotional, physical and mental wellbeing, that can be catastrophic for the rest of our lives.

Who we are when we are with people is more important than what we do for them, and we are best able to care for those who matter to us most when we are properly resourced.

Some tips for how to say no well.

We sometimes fear that if we don’t do it, it won’t get done at all. Ask instead: does it need to get done? Does it ALL need done? Done at all? Done now? Could this be a Not Yet?

If I say no, what is the worst thing that can happen here? Is the world really going to end (that tricksy emotional brain again)?

Where am I taking on responsibilities that are not my own, eg for what others in a situation might be feeling? Am I projecting onto them how I would feel in that situation? If so, pausing and stepping back and asking myself questions on my motivation are important. 

Weigh up the cost of saying yes versus the temporary discomfort of saying no – what would the best outcome be here?

What is the cost of not being clear here? What do I gain by giving a clear, honest no instead of a vague non-commital yes to avoid the discomfort?

Saying no takes courage, but we can learn and build confidence from successful ‘no’s. More in a personal scary story here. 

Practice saying no kindly, and with gratitude for the invitation/offer, but stopping at no. Give a clear and honest but short explanation if it helps, but you do not necessarily have to justify or explain yourself, depending on to whom you are speaking.

If it is practical, and where you can think of one, offer an alternative. 

Accept that this will not be easy or comfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice. Rehearse beforehand and stick to your script. This is NOT about becoming selfish or self-focused at the cost of others. But it IS about recognising limits and understanding what is most important in this season. 

There are some more tips here on a previous post from Covid times. 

How to say no well gets easier with clarity on motives, acceptance of limits, and practice.